Hearing my mother talking about me and back and forth random ends makes me feel depressed.  I want to sleep but I need to be awake to finish drying her blankets because she wet the bed.  Again.  And she’s upset for wearing depends.  I totally totally understand it.  But when you don’t remember to put on a new pair when you take off the old ones and get upset for changing in the middle of the living room (I closed the blinds, good grief),  sigh.  6 whoopee pies (which I bought on purpose) then a Lindt bunny (which I meant for mom).  Maybe I’ll need to make a 2 a.m. trip to CVS to stock up for her.  But I think she didn’t eat the Lindt because she didn’t understand what it was.

This is me, killing myself with food.  And a poor very poor self esteem no matter how hard my trainer tries to cheer me up.

Horoscopes are entertainment.  I’m right on the cusp between Cancer and Leo so I usually read both.  Though one could say I could read any one of the astrological signs and prefer one over the other since the stars and the signs don’t align anymore.  Oh well.

Anyways, today I opted for Leo:  “Your dreams are big, but they will be achieved just as anything else is achieved: minute by minute.”

I’m in a 5K today.  Of course it’s much colder out than yesterday.  Temps will be 25 with a wind chill of 13, winds 20 mph.  Oh god why the hell am I doing this?!  

If I can be selfish and take the horoscope to heart, I can do this today.  My goal for all 5K’s is to be finish under 40 minutes and so far I’ve done that.  Even the one in December which ending up walking more than running due to a side ache.  Reminds me, start stretching that out now!  

So self, take it to heart, you can do this.  Damnit.  

So.  I can two pints of Talenti gelato and not upset my stomach too much.  Bad thing: I’m eating two pints when I really of course shouldn’t.  Hello, portion control?  Second thing, my body temperature actually decreases and gets colder from eating it.  Sigh.  No more treats for a whole week.  That’s 7 days and counting, not just till Saturday.

I slept in today.  Well actually I woke up many times throughout the night to blow my nose, rest, and repeat.  I skipped the gym.  While for the most part I sound worse than I feel, I figure it’s best to take a rest day.  Just how to shake off this fat feeling I have?  Sigh.

My horoscope for today says “Every minute you spend on feeling physically better through exercise, stretching, nutrition and even sleep will be returned to you later.”

Wise indeed.  And someday I’ll be able to accept the generosity of this and be thankful for the friends I’ve met at the gym and through exercise.  

So I’m a bit scared.  I signed up for a 90-challenge to lose 5 pounds and shave a few points off of the BMI.  I know BMI isn’t everything.  I have the strength but not the willpower to lose the weight. I know what got me to losing weight, less food intake, increase in workout.  My workout has increased over the past two years, gradually, nothing shocking.  But the food intake has increased too.  At first it was enough to sustain me.  Now it’s eating a box of cookies for no damn good ass reason when you’ve already eaten your meals for the day.  

Stress is a mind killer.  It’s also an emotional eating killer too.

So I’m scared.  I record my weight each and every week, faithfully for over two years.  Now I’m back to someone else looking at my results for the next three months.  I’m going to screw up.  I’m going to over eat on snacks I shouldn’t.  

I’m going to fail.

I have discovered adding sugar on microwaved popcorn.  I then have learned after reading online, adding butter or another oil, cinnamon and sugar.  Oh god help me as I attempt to forgo snacks this week.


Tomorrow I’ll start clean and fresh.  Tomorrow I won’t touch the snacks meant for mom.  Tomorrow I’ll only eat lots of yogurt.  Tomorrow, tomorrow.  Always then.  Never yesterday, never now.  Tomorrow.


I have problems.  Issues?  Mental roadblocks?  Stressed, let’s eat!  Screw the keep yourself in maintenance mode.  I want to eat then make myself feel sick and horrible.  I need to stop reading food blogs.  Stop arguing with my mother who has dementia that she smells because that’s not how you’re supposed to do this.  Everyone praises me, says I’m doing a great job.  Then I do shit like this.

I could rant more.  I’m going to stop, lay in bed, wake up in a couple of hours, browse online, go back to bed, hope I don’t overeat (oh that is a lost cause), get up ready to go for work, work, gym, home, rinse lather and repeat.